Idol

Tomorrow I get to go to the Shinedown concert. And I get to meet the band. I am soooo dang excited, because these guys are my idols. I look up to them, they inspire me. I mean, how many people get to meet their idols? I am so lucky. I cannot wait. I have been dreaming of meeting the band for years!!!!!!!

Shinedown

March 27th, 2012 marks the date of the release of Shinedown's fourth album "Amaryllis". The album is the newest work of the band. It comes straight from the heart, like all their other albums, and in a non-professional way, I must say it's AMAZING! Of course, Shinedown is my favorite band ever, my inspiration, so my opinion is probably a bit biased. But, I love them for more than just their music.

The music comes from the heart, even the harder ones. They take their real life experiences and put it into their songs. And you can tell, and it's really awesome. And the band members themselves are really.... whole, if that makes sense. They're like genuine, but better, more than that. They truly care about making their fans happy and listening to them, and they're really open about personal things and stories relating to their songs. Mmmm, I just love them so much.

The songs are just full of emotion. Shinedown inspires me. My poems, songs, ideas, and writings come from them. When I listen to their music, I can create one of my best poems, although my greatest ones, I personally think, come sporadically. But whenever I write, I think of Shinedown. Because truly, I want to create words as emotional and deep as them.

On a critical note, I can't really think of anything bad about their album, I never could. But, I think the thing that is so great about it is that each song is totally different, completely unique. Each one has a different rhythm, it's own sound. No two songs are similar, and that's what makes an album good.

A Notebook

If you haven't figured it out by now, I am a writer at heart. It's my passion, it's what I'm good at.  I've made my friends cry, laugh, and smile from my writing. I've determined, that's what I want from my writing. I like seeing people react to it.

Anyways, as a writer, I always keep something with me. If I ever come up with a verse for a poem, or an idea I want to write about, I have to write about right then and there, so I don't forget. So I carry a notebook. It's really old looking; it's about to fall apart. And nobody touches it without my permission. Because it's mine, and it has my words in it. But a lot of the poems I post here I've written in my notebook too.

It's an old decorated one I made years ago. I started carrying it around for extra paper, and ended up writing poems in it. So yeah, it's really special now.

But I think all writers should. Its a good thing to carry around, if you ever have any idea for something, anything, that involves writing, you should keep it all in one place. Because if it's a great idea, you don't want to lose it.

I guess I'll include here that I am a little... OCD. I'm always afraid that something will happen to my house while I'm gone, and I'll lose all my stuff. Don't ask, just roll with it. So I always carry the things that are the most important to me around. This includes my notebook, my key chain (which has my flash drive on it), my headphones, phone, iPod, wallet, and all the bracelets I make. I can't go anywhere without all these, because if I lose them, well...KABOOM! (not really, but you know..)

Anyways... to all writers: carry a notebook with you wherever you go. Might sound dumb, but all those great ideas you come up with, and then forget later, you'll remember them :)

Something Awesome Everyday

I made a goal: to find something awesome in each day. Something that stood out to me, and made my day. Why live life so upset, just going through the motions? I'm trying to adapt a better perspective, to be a better person. I know I have flaws and I want to fix them.
So I've been making myself find something awesome in every day. So far, its going all right. I've been logging it, too. It's my other blog. Feel free to check it out and see what you think. I hope you like it, and I hope it motivates you, too. It's not that amazing, it's just personal things that make my days. Everyone should do this, try to make every day memorable. Because what's the point of life if you're not going to live it?
Here's my other blog, Something Awesome Everyday. Enjoy

Call Me

This is more of a love poem. Not usually what I write. I wrote this a few months ago. Hope you like.

I know you think it's all over

And you just want it to be done

But sometimes it feels like

It has all just begun

Call me what you want

But listen to what I have to say

And if you still don't agree

The I'll be on my way

What seemed to be a friendship 

Was really a hidden desire

and you need to be loved

Was like a burning fire

You knew I was reluctant 

Right from the start

But you pushed until the end

Because I filled your heart

I gave you a chance

And you blew it right away

Yet another broken promise

Was made that day

You asked for another

But I knew it wasn't right

My rejections, you told me

Haunted you in the night

The burden of questions without answers

Promises, apologies, and wanting another try

Was too much for me to handle

And my final response really made you cry

You've listened to me now
That's all I have to say

So I guess what happens now

Is you'll be on your way

I Dare You

Yep, I have a poem named after my blog, which is named after the Shinedown song, "I Dare You"

Enjoy:

I dare you to tell me to walk through fire

I dare you to make me cry

I dare you to call me a liar

I dare you to say goodbye

I dare you to say it was never real

I dare you to call me a fake

I dare you to tell me it's all a lie

I dare you my heart to break

I dare you to make these thoughts unclear

I dare you from the truth to hide

I dare you to turn your back on me

I dare you to keep peace of mind

I dare you to say yes when I say no

I dare you to grasp the memories

I dare you to trap me in the shadows

I dare you to finally let me free

Here's the Shinedown song I was talking about by the way. Love it, one of my favorites.

Soldier

Another poem, about soldiers:

A distraught soul
Wanders the night
Wondering how
To make things right

A distant shot
A shattered cry
A brand new day
Yet more will die

Stand as one
Fight together
The pain and grief
Remain forever

Defend the loved
Forget the sin
Our only goal
To claim the win

Risking their lives
Is what they do
And all they ask
Is just "Thank you"

What If?

I told I played around with scenarios in my head all the time. I always play the what if? game with myself.
A few months ago, I landed on my head. I'm a gymnast, and I was doing a skill and landed on my head. I ended being completely fine, with just a sore neck the next day, thank goodness. But I still always think about what could've happened.

My scenario..

I landed on my head. Instantly everything became dizzy. My coach ran up to me and asked me questions. She sounded distant. I couldn't see clearly. She asked me to sit up but I couldn't. I closed my eyes and groaned. She asked me something but I didn't listen; I had my hands over my ears, trying to steady my head. She decided to call an ambulance.

She had another coach help her move me out of the way. She had other gymnasts take turns talking to me, so that I wouldn't lose consciousness. They asked me questions and told me stories. My answers came out in slurs, I was still dizzy. They took me to the hospital. Minimal physical damage was done. I had to wear a neck brace for a few days.

As I got better, I knew something was different. The way I thought seemed weird to me. I realized that, even though I was still the same person, something about me changed. I spoke everything that was on my mind, without knowing it, which I hate doing. I dazed off into space a lot more than usual. And it was really hard for someone to snap me back into reality. My emotions were intense. If I was sad, I was extremely sad. If I was mad, I hated the world. If I was happy, I would be bouncing off the walls from excitement. And, I babbled. Rambled on, with no point to my words. But I did it in my gymnastics routines. Which normally, when you're doing a routine, you're too tired to talk. But somehow I would do that.

My friends thought this was weird, and they started avoiding me. They wouldn't talk to me, and I started feeling really alone. My coach was the only one who talked to me a lot. I felt so lonely, and I learned they were afraid of me. Basically, I became so depressed, I wanted to push the limits of them all, and show them where they had gone wrong, and show them that they were hurting me.


And that is where my post "The Jump" came from. Being so lonely that you were willing to risk everything to prove your point to people. How far would you go, to make your point? What if something like that happened to you? What would you do?

Choices

I've never posted about my own life on this blog. It just didn't seem to fit. Usually I'm really happy and stuff, and my blog has a lot of sadder posts. But now I feel my blog reflects my feelings exactly now. Usually the feelings that I keep locked up, deep down, but they're starting to break free.

I would never, ever, ever jump off a bridge. I value my life too much. But all people want to do is control me. They don't listen to me, they think they are better than me. And maybe they are, I'm only 15. But would it kill them to listen to me sometimes? To give me more than a passing glance? To act like I exist? To believe the words that come out of my mouth? That I'm willing to change? That I'm TRYING to?

I would stand though, at the edge. Just to see what would happen. Who would come, what they'd do, how they'd react. And how they'd change for me. And if they'd realize where they went wrong, and how much they hurt me, and how affected I am by everything. Worth a shot right? But no, they'd just end up thinking I am WAY overreacting. I give.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just quit trying to fix it, because it just makes it worse.

I want to be the happy kid I was before. I sound like such a depressed teenager right now, but deep down, I'm not. If only people would listen to me...

The Jump

So I've been playing around with this scenario in my head, with the idea that I'd write a full novel out of it someday. Last night I reached a point where I didn't know where to go with it, and I ended up imaging my main character, who was sad and lonely, reciting this scene she'd made up to help her through her tough times.

I stand at the edge with the toes of my shoes hanging over ever so slightly. I stare down at the water lapping below, 50, 60, maybe 70 feet away. Waiting, for its next victim. I feel the wind whipping my face. I shut out the rest of the world, who seems completely unaware of me standing here, on the verge of life and death, as they rush from one place to the next in their own lives. All that I know of right now is me, and the waiting water below.

My life, filled with such a mix of happiness, sadness, anger and depression, is overwhelming. True, happiness has thrived in me, but not for long. Instead, I feel depression, loneliness, abandonment. So much, that it doesn't matter what I do anymore, I know no one will care, right? Death seems such an easier option that having to deal with the constant pain. In fact, its almost a blessing.
I start to think about it. The fall. What will I think of as I fall? What will my last thoughts be? Will I think about the past, everything I've been through, whether happy or sad? Will I think about the future, what I could've had, what would've been? What about the ones I love, or even hate? Will they cross my mind as I pierce the sky, plummeting downward? There are too many things I want to think about, which one would I decide to think of last?
Then I think about the impact on the water. I cross my arms over my chest. Will it hurt? If so, how much? How long? Will it be a bearable pain? Would it be enough to kill me? Or would I sit there, floating in the water, in pain, waiting for someone to notice me, save me, just so I can go back to my life of suffering? What if it didn't hurt, if I died instantly. Or maybe I wouldn't. I would just be so numb from all my other feelings, I wouldn't feel a thing.
For a split second, I imagine me beginning to plummet before I was ready to. Whether it be someone pushing me off, my foot slipping, or me losing my balance and falling off. Once my feet leave that ledge, once I lean over too far, there's no turning back. I can do nothing but wait for the impact as I fall. Shaking, I shuffle my feet backwards a little, so that they no longer hang off the edge. I grab a nearby object so tight my knuckles turn white. Just to be safe. Just until I'm ready.
I begin to think of the people I will leave behind. The ones I loved, the ones that loved me, if any of them did. I try to be reasonable and say there was. What would their lives be like without me? Would they miss me? Would their lives change? What about my brothers and sister? Who would they have to look up to? What kind of influence would I be, jumping off a bridge, taking the easy way out? I know they would want to follow, because I am their role model. But do I really want to make them think its okay?
What if I had told people what I was planning on doing? What if I told my friends and family I was going to jump off a bridge? What would they say? How would they react? Which ones would react with a half-hearted response, and which ones would go out of their way, doing everything they could, to convince me I was making the wrong choice? Which ones would be here right now, trying to pull me away from the edge, yelling at me I was doing the wrong thing, restricting me from going over? I ask myself, who would have to tell me I was wrong for me to listen? What would they have to do, how far would they have to go, for me to realize the error in my thinking? Would anyone be able to do that? Maybe, but in the end, its my choice. I would have to decide, not them.
I think back to my reason for doing this. Why am I doing this? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm in pain? Or am I doing it to show people how much they hurt me? Vengeance, is that what this is? What would it do, if I jumped? Perhaps it would get my point across, yes, but then it'd be too late. I'd leave all those people I know filled with guilt, resentment, regret. They'd realize what they had been to ignorant to realize, but then it'd be too late. And they would have to live with that, that feeling that it was all their fault.
Was it their fault, or was I, am I, just overreacting? Am I making this situation too extreme? Too intense, too over-the-top? Isn't there any easier way to show people how I feel? Would they listen? There's a chance they won't, and then I'd have to go back to feeling that pain again. So, would it really be worth it, this jump? Would it make the impact I want it to make? Did I really want to leave everything behind, or just change everything?  Would I regret my decision later, thinking about the life I could've had, but instead I decide to end it before my time had come?
As I thought about this, I realized maybe, just maybe, I was taking the wrong perspective. I tried putting myself in someone else's shoes, someone close to me, watching me suffer, watching me plummet to my death. I felt agony in my heart, a piercing, striking emptiness, where that person once lived. There must be an easier, safer, less intense way to go about this. How much would it take to get people to listen to me? Whatever it is, it must be better than this, right? Standing here, with death right in front of my eyes, calling to me, luring me away from life, promising an easier, less painless future. But in the back of my mind, my life screams at me, telling me to come back, promising me it can please me once more.
I blink a few times, and realize I have tears flowing from my eyes, rolling down my cheeks. I watch through blurred vision as one drops off my chin and falls, falls, falls, all the way to the water, where it makes the smallest little splash, vanishing forever. That's all it would take. Just a little splash, then all my troubles gone forever.
But no, they wouldn't. My troubles wouldn't vanish. They would just become someone else's problems. Instead of vanishing forever, they would shift from me to someone close to me. I couldn't stand to watch them suffer with the pain I suffer. It wouldn't be right, wouldn't be fair. I love my family, my friends, far too much to leave them with such a huge burden.
I release my grip on the object and lean forward ever so slightly. I start coming back to my senses, back to reality. In the distance, I think I hear people shouting, screaming, but the words are inaudible. Somewhere, I think I hear the whir of a helicopter, too.
I take in a large breath of air, taking in the smells of the water, my hair, life, death, emotion. I straighten my back again and back away from the edge. I turn and walk away, following the path the bridge makes. I realize people are reaching out to me, calling to me, asking me questions. But I don't acknowledge them. I'm too busy thinking about the future, about what I plan on doing. I begin to compose  the discussion I am going to have, the steps I am going to take, to make my life the way I want it to be.

I hope this helps anyone who thinks their life isn't good enough, that death is the easy way out, that there are better ways to go. And that jumping off a bridge isn't the right solution.